January, 2005

One day after the great Mother-In-Law debacle. I am, by turns, both calm and seething about the situation.

Calmness
Why should this matter? Most of the people who now know about the pregnancy are distant relatives, and we don’t have regular contact with them. If Mrs Levee’s mother is so thoughtless, she will pay eventually.

I’ve been trying to incorporate some of the lessons from the Buddhism articles I’ve been reading recently. Particularly with regard to karma; my mother-in-law’s actions have caused us to even further distrust her, and we have already distanced ourselves to emphasize the point.

This pregnancy, although unexpected, has had a really positive effect on our little family unit. The adults have stopped taking work and commitments so seriously and as a result, we’re less stressed and actually more productive than ever. The kids are a joy, both brightening up our days with their little quirks and their love. This latest event has just pushed us all closer together.

Seething Anger
Still, my natural reactions will resurface every so often. I want a confrontation. I want to get this out of my system. Why should I bite my tongue when she didn’t bite hers? I want her to know how upset Mrs Levee was about this.

Maybe There’s A Better Way
Two realities:

• Nothing positive can ever be achieved by shouting. You make yourself look unbalanced and destroy the basis of your argument by being over-emotional.
• Keeping quiet is no longer an option. I’ve done it for too long. Perhaps I’m an invisible party - mother-in-law thinks my opinion doesn’t count because I’ve never been allowed to be straight with her.

I need to say something, not shout it. Perhaps the better approach is to question, rather than accuse.

• Why did you feel you could breach our confidence?
• Did you give any thought to how it would affect Mrs Levee?
• What effect do you think this is going to have for your relationship with us?
• How do you think we feel, knowing that you’re using our situation to gain sympathy for yourself?
• If you’re worried about us, how do you intend to help us?

Actually, in terms of outcomes, ideally she will think about her actions, and we will gain some insight into her motives (trying to get sympathy by proxy is to be pitied).

Ultimately, if she’s worried about us, we could use a little help one afternoon a week cleaning the house up. Maybe she’ll agree to that!

Thursday, January 27th, 2005 // Family Life, Spirituality & Stuff

This one needs to recorded for posterity….

Mrs Levee was acting very strangely tonight. She ran for the phone every time it went off, and wouldn’t let me answer it. The last time, she took the call upstairs. I was with the kids, so I didn’t really pay much attention.

10 minutes later, she came down the stairs crying harder than I’d ever seen her cry before. First reaction was that something had gone wrong with the baby - that’s how upset she was.

Flashback, three weeks earlier . . .
While visiting her mother’s house, Mrs Levee was feeding Jay when her mother approached her. “I had a dream last night that you were pregnant” she started.

Mrs Levee pretended not to notice. Remember, because of the circumstances, no-one was to be told. Least of all her mother, who had widely publicised the last two pregnancies before we were ready. As a matter of fact, her mother was the primary person we were keeping the news from!

Anyway, Mrs Levee couldn’t avoid telling the truth. Apparently, when we were babysitting her little brother, he had heard her being sick and mentioned this at home. Her mother was a little upset by the implication that we couldn’t trust her, and that was really the last we heard about it.

Back to present day . . .
Needless to say, it was all too good to be true. Behind our backs, she was telling anyone that would listen. Mrs Levee, naturally noticed this before I did.

A week ago, one of Mrs Levee’s aunts mentioned returning a pram which we had loaned her. When Mrs Levee said she wasn’t in a hurry for it, the aunt glossed over by saying “Just in case any of your friends needs it.” Still, it unsettled her.

This morning, Mrs Levee was driving and came across a friend of her mother’s. Offering her a lift, one of the first things the woman said was, “Look at you out and about. You should really be taking it easy with the way you’ve been feeling.”

But that wasn’t all! Oh no, not only had she blabbed about the pregnancy, but the context! Quoting the mother-in-law friend: “Your poor mother. She’s already worried about your Grandad and your brother, and now she’s got this on her mind.” Knowing the woman as I do, this could only have come directly from Mrs Levee’s mother.

Reality Check.
For the uninitiated, my mother-in-law was a help after our first child was born and we lived in Belfast. This stopped abruptly when Jay was born in August 2003. Just when things got doubly hard for us, nothing. We were on our own.

And did things change with the revelations about this pregancy? Where is the rallying, supportive family? Nowhere to be seen. It seems this woman is happy for everyone to know how worried about us she is, but not prepared to do a damned thing to help.

Mrs Levee didn’t tell me until after the phone call from her mother. Apparently she didn’t want me firing off, and she wanted the opportunity to deal with this on her own terms.

Naturally, I’m disgusted. My family don’t even know yet. I don’t expect any real help from them, but then I know that they won’t be spouting crap about how worried about us they are.

I’m currently inclined toward murder (no, not really!), but I’d settle for never seeing my mother-in-law again. Ever. How dare she take something told in confidence and spread it everywhere? More importantly, without a single thought for how Mrs Levee would feel. She’s devastated, but she’s asked me not to interfere because it’s such a vital time in the pregnancy.

However, this may not be the last post about this situation. I’ve had 10 years of biting my tongue where that woman is concerned - not this time.

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005 // Family Life

Hugely busy week, last week. Working late, busy, busy, busy. It was only when, pulling into the drive on Sunday morning. I noticed a big round black bin beside the gate.

There was no way it’d been delivered on a Sunday, so I kicked myself for being so unobservant and went in the house. Mrs Levee said “Oh, it’s been here since about Thursday. I thought I told you. . .”

Of course, coming straight from the local Council, there are no instructions. What the hell am I supposed to put in this thing? Luckily, there are a few good websites about composting. Anyway, no time to talk about it right now - all you need to know is that composting looks like it’s going to be fun!

Did you know the compost generates heat?

Monday, January 24th, 2005 // General

• 1 (one) tired and sick wife, wondering why she chose to get pregnant a third time. Oh, that’s right, she didn’t choose…
• 2 (two) energetic kiddies, vying for attention, and enriching our lives in countless ways. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I catch my son doing something to get my attention, with a big smile on his face. Game of the moment is climbing up Daddy and tumbling backwards.
• 1 (one) composter! More about that later. . . .
• 3 (three) websites to be completed. Just putting the finishing touches on one of them, then onward and upward.
• 1 (one) bedroom full of new kid’s furniture (and a bathroom full of the outgoing furniture). I took three of the old wardrobes and demolished them, using the side panels to floor my attic. Reduce, reuse and recycle!
• 1 (one) broken dishwasher. A fix is not in sight.
• Many (many) more things to do around the house in an ever-growing list. . . .

The funny thing is, I’ve feeling great at the moment! Why do we thrive under pressure?

Monday, January 24th, 2005 // Family Life

I guess part of this blog is to do with me breaking with old habits and learning to become a more peaceful and balanced individual.

What brought this about was the slow realisation that our culture is increasingly self-involved. We’re all disconnected and few of us actually care about people anymore.

• Look at the glut of reality TV stars these days, or the so-called ‘professional celebrities’ - people who are totally absorbed in themselves. Is the human race so superficial we deify these attention-seeking morons?
• Look at how we consume incessantly, buying stuff we don’t need with credit cards we can’t afford. Media tells us what we want and we go out and get it - how lame-brained are we?
• And after we’re done with the ridiculous consumption, we leave our waste everywhere! We’re buring up the planet at a furious rate, global warming is a very real threat across the globe, but on we soldier. . .
• While we’re at it, what about the almost daily waste of life? Pick from any number of Planet Earth’s ongoing wars! Marvel at how governments allow their citizens to become innocent victims! Do you care that thousands of people die needlessly every day? Do you even notice?

All of this concerns me, as a growing indication of how far we’ve fallen as a race. . .

I need to find an alternative lifestyle. Not just for me, but for my wife and children. I can’t go on feeling aggressive toward people I don’t know or understand. I don’t want to be like this.

I typically shun organised religion - I dropped Christianity (read: Catholicism) at the age of 16. However, doing some browsing the other day, I came across some excellent introductory articles about Buddhism. Now, I’m not planning to devote myself full-time to Buddah, but I really believe there is great substance in what I’ve read so far. Have you looked at the Buddhist moral code?

The Buddha taught that it is important to live a good moral life if an individual is to gain enlightenment. The basic moral guidelines are captured in the five precepts. These are:

to abstain from harming living beings

to abstain from taking what is not given

to abstain from sexual misconduct

to abstain from false speech

to abstain from intoxicating drugs or drink

Buddhists, therefore, aim to be compassionate for the welfare of all sentient beings, taking care not harm any creature big or small. Similarly, they see stealing as something morally unwholesome, as they do being unfaithful, promiscuous or having sex with minors. The Buddha stressed the importance of being honest and truthful and warned against the dangers of intoxicants that cloud the mind. Monks and nuns take further precepts, including a vow of celibacy.

None of these one things define me, but I can see how elements of each have been biting away at my consciousness for years now. Backstabbing people, looking at other women (note: not acting on it!!!), and so on all have a cumulative effect. I can see it in the people around me and how bitter the smallest thing makes them.

There’s much more to it - the whole series contains 10 articles - but I’ll certainly continue to read through and pass back any thoughts that arise!

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

I don’t do resolutions, but I think this year I’ll try to work according to some basic principles. I’m not holding myself to them, but the guidelines are:

1. Think Clearer: Know my objectives, and why I’m pursuing them - starting with the following.
2. Live Better: To break old habits and become an easier-going, kinder and more affable individual.
3. Live Cleaner: After watching a number of frightening documentaries about the state of the planet, I’ve decided to try and live cleaner. More recycling, reusing old stuff and trying to reduce the amount of stuff we consume in the house. Have already ordered a composter, which promises to be fun.
4. Live Healthier: Oh yes, I’ll be taking the stairs this year! The plan is to cut down on the amount of junk, drink more water and get more exercise. Already cutting down my chronic tea consumption (was having up to eight cups per day!).
5. Avoid Nastiness: I must try to break cycles of negativity, both at home and at work. Not only must I stop speaking ill of people (even when they irritate me), I will try to stop other people using me as a sounding board to backstab others. This will be very difficult.

I think that’s about the bones of it. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 17th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

What a crazy week! Non-stop working, and erratic hours as well.

By Thursday, I felt like I hadn’t seen my family at all, and I was feeling a bit ‘out of the loop’ when it came to family matters. Back at the house, my absence was noted. My daughter (we call her Ray) was asking where I was and wanted to wait until I got home to have dinner with me.

As it turned out, I didn’t get back until nearly their bedtime, so was able to spend a while with them both and read a bedtime story which we all enjoyed.

I took a half day at work today to spend some time at home. The highlights:

1. Being able to pick up my daughter and her friend from school, which she enjoyed. Mrs Levee told me she’d been talking about it all morning!
2. Meeting up with Mrs Levee and Jay (wife and one-year-old son) a little later on, and headed home for an afternoon nap - much needed!
3. Heading into Belfast for the evening, getting tea and chocolate buns for a treat, and Jay impressing us with his attempts to say actual words: Fizzy (for Coke), Please (for more bun) and various levels of success with items in the fruit and veg aisle in Tesco’s!
4. Being told, “You’re funny Daddy” by my daughter!

I could go on for hours. I blogged a few days ago about the importance of knowing your priorities - the kids must have read this, because they really enjoyed our time together. Now, just looking forward to the weekend…

Friday, January 14th, 2005 // Family Life

I’ve been humbled by my three-year-old daughter!

At the ripe ol’ age of 28, I’ve grown accustomed to thinking of myself as a highly skilled IT Manager and a not bad programmer and web designer. When asked, I describe my job as the management of ALL aspects of the network. From the day-to-day support and troubleshooting to the future IT strategy, you’ll find me there, making it all work….

With that in mind, I recently returned from a hard day’s IT management to be greeted warmly at the front door by my little girl. After a big hug, she stepped back and asked, “Daddy, did you fix the man’s computer today?”

Fix the man’s computer??? That’s it??? Ray, do you realise that Daddy does a very important job? I nearly choked!

I tried reasoning with her, but she wasn’t even slightly interested in my ongoing battles with Citrix, or the zombie hordes who I support on a daily basis. She just wanted to know if I fixed the man’s computer!

In the end, I gave up trying. She was right. The office would not grind to a halt if I wasn’t there. The firm’s IT systems wouldn’t come crashing down. People would work around certain things. I don’t even think my monthly management report would be missed at the partnership meeting! No-one ever seems to have read it!!

I don’t think she was trying to do this, but she made me realise that no matter how important or critical I thought my work was, it all boiled down to ‘fixing the computers’. That’s probably how most of my colleagues see it, anyway. In our office, most folk couldn’t care less what happens to you as long as you’re at their side when computer armageddon decends upon them.

But here I have a little angel who really doesn’t care what I do for a living. Both my kids can brighten up my day with just a little love and not much other effort. How often can you say that about the people you work with?

Monday, January 10th, 2005 // Family Life

Anyone would think I was pregnant! I just can’t get my finger out of my ass and back into work. I think it’s the lethal combination of Christmas and pregnancy that has knocked me for six.

Trying to be the breadwinner, cook, cleaner and childminder is wearing me down. My day job is overseeing a failing Citrix installation (not my fault - third party screw-up). Plus I’ve got about three websites on the boil at the moment which need attention before one of my clients starts complaining! No-one has ever complained to me before - I usually work with more urgency than the client - so they’re usually pleased with me!

With a sick, pregnant spouse, and me trying to keep the house on the right side of hygienic, the kids are suffering a little at the moment. They’re not getting the right amount of attention, and it all comes out in short fuses, whinging and full-blown tantrums. Of course, the vicious circle of this is that we become ratty with the kids, and shouting at them just makes matters worse.

The point is, our kids reward us when we’re getting it right. I don’t know if this is true for you. When I take my daughter for a walk or read her a book, she’ll stop frequently to kiss and hug me. She’s doing a thing at the moment where she takes my face in her hands and tells me, “Daddy, you and me are the bestest!”.

If I play the Sesame Street website with my son, he laughs and babbles and jumps up and down on my knee. He nearly destroys the keyboard, but it makes him happy!

So, we’re not doing too well on the parenting scoreboard at the moment. The moral of the story is: prioritize. A hug from my daughter is worth more to me than designing a website, more than my boring, demoralizing job! These are the young people we should be pouring our efforts into, and not just out of duty. It should be to cherish every moment we have with these little people and to watch them grow with smiles on our faces and chests puffed out with pride.

I said in an earlier entry that we’d have to revise the business plans. That’s coming. A few commitments to meet with current clients, but after that I’ll take on smaller projects and only when I know they won’t interfere with the family.

Why? Because every time I see my kids slipping into cranky, I know I’m not doing enough to stimulate their minds or showing them enough attention. Kids are clever - if they can’t get attention by fair means, they’ll quickly turn to foul!

Sunday, January 9th, 2005 // Family Life

Helpdesk: “I’ve deleted a file - can you recover it? I need it done right now.”, “The formatting on this document is messed up - can you sort it? I need this done right now…”, “We’ve got a new person starting this morning, can you arrange the induction? What, we didn’t mention this to you? Very sorry, but….I NEED THIS DONE RIGHT NOW!”

It’s quite demanding working in an IT environment. You’re always to blame when things go wrong, but never complimented when things go right. You will rarely ever hear the words “In your own time” being used when “RIGHT NOW” can be used instead.

Please remember to thank your IT department the next time they fix something for you. Make your techies feel appreciated!

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff