Spirituality & Stuff

We have a house guest tonight! One of Ray’s friends is having a sleepover in our house. His mother is a friend of ours who Mrs Levee sees fairly regularly at mother and toddler groups and so on.

Why is this important? Well, I complained a few days ago about the lack of support we receive from our extended family. We’re not alone.

Mrs Levee’s friend is more then 30 weeks pregnant, and has recently run into complications with the pregnancy which could be dangerous for her and the baby if she doesn’t get proper rest. And with two young kids, you know that’s not easy. There’s a very real chance she might become hospitalized, if only for her own safety. You would think that in her situation, family would be rallying round to help out.

You’d be wrong.

In particular, she’s having difficulties getting her in-laws to help out. Many of her own relatives are only willing to take one of the kids at a time, but this doesn’t offer much opportunity for relaxation.

So Mrs Levee and I offered to take the eldest boy (who’s in Ray’s class) overnight and keep him until tomorrow to give her a rest - one of her sisters is looking after the youngest. Not that this is much sacrifice: he’s a pleasant little guy, keeps our two in good company and tidies up after himself.

The point here is practicing what you preach. If we’re going to complain about people not supporting us, then we’ve got to turn things around by offering to help others out where we can. It’s not really much effort, but makes an amazing difference to people’s lives.

Saturday, April 9th, 2005 // Family Life, Spirituality & Stuff

Just a thought. What if we could put all of the daily crap behind us and rise above it?

Imagine: No worrying about what people are thinking or saying about you. No obsessing about career, or salary or the bills that threaten to topple our bank accounts! No qualms about death or illness.

Where is this Utopia, and how do I sign up? Well, I’m increasingly starting to believe that Utopia exists only in the head, solely in each person’s mental state. I know this sounds crazy, but follow my thinking for a minute:

Confusion of the mind
A woman I work with asked for a pay rise recently. Her reasoning was that she had worked extremely hard in managing her department and covering for staff who were off, frequently using her personal time to keep the department up to date.

She heard through the grapevine (read Office Manager) that there had been no change to salary information this month, when it would have been due. Regardless of the fact that she hadn’t heard this directly from her superior (to whom she had made the request), she’s gone off steaming about what she’s going to do to get even! “I’m going to cut down my hours. Who cares if the work falls behind? They’ll just see how much they need me!”

I get the latest on this neurotic saga every morning. It’s amazing how people can blow a situation completely out of proportion without even querying the matter!

Peace And Harmony: Bring It On!
Regular readers will know that I’ve been reading into Buddhism recently. A major part of this is trying to put life in perspective, and I’ve been looking at the Buddhist methods of meditation as a means of looking more closely at what is important (or what should be).

Buddhists, for instance, believe that there are four main precepts in life: you are born, you grow old, you get sick, you die. The main aim (I think) is to be happy in your life, show love toward others and try not to cause harm. Your salary is irrelevant. Your job title is useless. How big is your house? How classy is the area where you live? Can I interest you in an expensive car, the latest mobile phone or any other mod cons?

Back to my colleague: what’s going on with this woman? Why the resentment? Why is she spending day and night formulating attack strategies she will never use? She’s not struggling for money, earns a good wage and her husband owns a successful business. A raise for this woman is not important - she’s craving something else.

Can I tell you something? On one day, while being relaged with the latest salary battle strategy, I suggested that a rise might not be important. Perhaps she should concentrate on reducing her hours and spending more time at home with her husband. “After all, ” I said, “after you’re gone, who’s going to care that you worked 12 hour days and gave everything to the firm?”

She stopped for a moment. I thought she was going to hit me.

The best bit is, this woman is more than twice my age - I thought this type of realisation was supposed to become clearer as you got older! It seems you’re never too old to blunder on regardless. . .

Friday, April 1st, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

One day after the great Mother-In-Law debacle. I am, by turns, both calm and seething about the situation.

Calmness
Why should this matter? Most of the people who now know about the pregnancy are distant relatives, and we don’t have regular contact with them. If Mrs Levee’s mother is so thoughtless, she will pay eventually.

I’ve been trying to incorporate some of the lessons from the Buddhism articles I’ve been reading recently. Particularly with regard to karma; my mother-in-law’s actions have caused us to even further distrust her, and we have already distanced ourselves to emphasize the point.

This pregnancy, although unexpected, has had a really positive effect on our little family unit. The adults have stopped taking work and commitments so seriously and as a result, we’re less stressed and actually more productive than ever. The kids are a joy, both brightening up our days with their little quirks and their love. This latest event has just pushed us all closer together.

Seething Anger
Still, my natural reactions will resurface every so often. I want a confrontation. I want to get this out of my system. Why should I bite my tongue when she didn’t bite hers? I want her to know how upset Mrs Levee was about this.

Maybe There’s A Better Way
Two realities:

• Nothing positive can ever be achieved by shouting. You make yourself look unbalanced and destroy the basis of your argument by being over-emotional.
• Keeping quiet is no longer an option. I’ve done it for too long. Perhaps I’m an invisible party - mother-in-law thinks my opinion doesn’t count because I’ve never been allowed to be straight with her.

I need to say something, not shout it. Perhaps the better approach is to question, rather than accuse.

• Why did you feel you could breach our confidence?
• Did you give any thought to how it would affect Mrs Levee?
• What effect do you think this is going to have for your relationship with us?
• How do you think we feel, knowing that you’re using our situation to gain sympathy for yourself?
• If you’re worried about us, how do you intend to help us?

Actually, in terms of outcomes, ideally she will think about her actions, and we will gain some insight into her motives (trying to get sympathy by proxy is to be pitied).

Ultimately, if she’s worried about us, we could use a little help one afternoon a week cleaning the house up. Maybe she’ll agree to that!

Thursday, January 27th, 2005 // Family Life, Spirituality & Stuff

I guess part of this blog is to do with me breaking with old habits and learning to become a more peaceful and balanced individual.

What brought this about was the slow realisation that our culture is increasingly self-involved. We’re all disconnected and few of us actually care about people anymore.

• Look at the glut of reality TV stars these days, or the so-called ‘professional celebrities’ - people who are totally absorbed in themselves. Is the human race so superficial we deify these attention-seeking morons?
• Look at how we consume incessantly, buying stuff we don’t need with credit cards we can’t afford. Media tells us what we want and we go out and get it - how lame-brained are we?
• And after we’re done with the ridiculous consumption, we leave our waste everywhere! We’re buring up the planet at a furious rate, global warming is a very real threat across the globe, but on we soldier. . .
• While we’re at it, what about the almost daily waste of life? Pick from any number of Planet Earth’s ongoing wars! Marvel at how governments allow their citizens to become innocent victims! Do you care that thousands of people die needlessly every day? Do you even notice?

All of this concerns me, as a growing indication of how far we’ve fallen as a race. . .

I need to find an alternative lifestyle. Not just for me, but for my wife and children. I can’t go on feeling aggressive toward people I don’t know or understand. I don’t want to be like this.

I typically shun organised religion - I dropped Christianity (read: Catholicism) at the age of 16. However, doing some browsing the other day, I came across some excellent introductory articles about Buddhism. Now, I’m not planning to devote myself full-time to Buddah, but I really believe there is great substance in what I’ve read so far. Have you looked at the Buddhist moral code?

The Buddha taught that it is important to live a good moral life if an individual is to gain enlightenment. The basic moral guidelines are captured in the five precepts. These are:

to abstain from harming living beings

to abstain from taking what is not given

to abstain from sexual misconduct

to abstain from false speech

to abstain from intoxicating drugs or drink

Buddhists, therefore, aim to be compassionate for the welfare of all sentient beings, taking care not harm any creature big or small. Similarly, they see stealing as something morally unwholesome, as they do being unfaithful, promiscuous or having sex with minors. The Buddha stressed the importance of being honest and truthful and warned against the dangers of intoxicants that cloud the mind. Monks and nuns take further precepts, including a vow of celibacy.

None of these one things define me, but I can see how elements of each have been biting away at my consciousness for years now. Backstabbing people, looking at other women (note: not acting on it!!!), and so on all have a cumulative effect. I can see it in the people around me and how bitter the smallest thing makes them.

There’s much more to it - the whole series contains 10 articles - but I’ll certainly continue to read through and pass back any thoughts that arise!

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

I don’t do resolutions, but I think this year I’ll try to work according to some basic principles. I’m not holding myself to them, but the guidelines are:

1. Think Clearer: Know my objectives, and why I’m pursuing them - starting with the following.
2. Live Better: To break old habits and become an easier-going, kinder and more affable individual.
3. Live Cleaner: After watching a number of frightening documentaries about the state of the planet, I’ve decided to try and live cleaner. More recycling, reusing old stuff and trying to reduce the amount of stuff we consume in the house. Have already ordered a composter, which promises to be fun.
4. Live Healthier: Oh yes, I’ll be taking the stairs this year! The plan is to cut down on the amount of junk, drink more water and get more exercise. Already cutting down my chronic tea consumption (was having up to eight cups per day!).
5. Avoid Nastiness: I must try to break cycles of negativity, both at home and at work. Not only must I stop speaking ill of people (even when they irritate me), I will try to stop other people using me as a sounding board to backstab others. This will be very difficult.

I think that’s about the bones of it. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 17th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

Helpdesk: “I’ve deleted a file - can you recover it? I need it done right now.”, “The formatting on this document is messed up - can you sort it? I need this done right now…”, “We’ve got a new person starting this morning, can you arrange the induction? What, we didn’t mention this to you? Very sorry, but….I NEED THIS DONE RIGHT NOW!”

It’s quite demanding working in an IT environment. You’re always to blame when things go wrong, but never complimented when things go right. You will rarely ever hear the words “In your own time” being used when “RIGHT NOW” can be used instead.

Please remember to thank your IT department the next time they fix something for you. Make your techies feel appreciated!

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005 // Spirituality & Stuff

If you live in any part of the ‘developed’ Western World, you’ll have been racking your brains what to get your nearest and dearest for Christmas. It’s agony.

A couple of weeks ago, BBC ran a documentary covering the latest Band Aid (20) single called Justice Not Charity. Needless to say, it was shocking and not just because of all the teenypoppers pretending to care. I’m sure some of them were genuine - quite a few looked like they were in it for the photo op - “Which camera’s on me?”

Anyway, we’d placed an order for some stuff earlier in the day. After the program, we cancelled the order and donated the money to Band Aid. A friend of ours who was on Messenger that evening matched our donation.

To anyone who might be reading this: there are things you buy that you don’t need. Daily or weekly, you do this without realising. A DVD you don’t really want. A game. Your third take-away of the week.

Wouldn’t it feel good - every once in a while - to sacrifice those things you don’t need, and maybe help save some lives?

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004 // Spirituality & Stuff