work

It all started with The Matrix although I didn’t know it then…

Back in 1999, I had just started in my current job, and was hungrily pursuing a corporate lifestyle: introducing new technology, writing management reports, answering calls for support. In my private life, I was following the six-step Social Expectations programme : graduate, get job, buy house, get married, have children, work until retirement or death.

In 2001, something happened which has been gnawing at my soul ever since. Our daughter was born the month after 9/11.

It’s hard to explain the effect this had, but I ended up questioning the world we had brought our child into. Essentially, I didn’t want my child to have the same predictable life mapped out for her, to become a societal drone. Can you imagine bringing a child into this world, full of potential, a blank canvas, and then painting the same dull grey life that everyone else lives?

And after a few years of corporate life, the soullessness of this existence has left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I sit in on office meetings and breathe in the hot air of self-important middle-managers, marvelling at the pure absense of passion in their lives.

In the last couple of years, I’ve become aware of a growing movement of people who are starting to challenge the accepted route through life. The most powerful statement I’ve heard asserts that if we’re all individuals, then it is not possible for a 9-5 lifestyle to suit everybody. You know, trail yourself out of bed, go through the motions, work for 8 hours or more, go home have dinner and watch Emmerdale, blah, blah, blah….

The Tailspin

The end result of this questioning has me in a complete tailspin recently. But at the center of it all, there’s one question to ask: am I happy?

Fundamentally, no. I’m in a dull, unfulfilling job working for employers that couldn’t care less if I lived or died (I have my suspicious about their preference though!). I had a few job interviews recently, and as I walked out of the latest one, I knew that moving jobs would only be moving the problem. Too many companies are like bureaucratic in a negative way these days.

And so I’m at a very interesting point in life which is both terrifying, but exhilerating. I feel a tiny bit insane with a combination of opportunities and fears. I want to spend my life doing something worthwhile, that I enjoy and that means something to other people. I don’t think I was cut out to be a drone!

Where Does The Matrix Fit In?

The central premise of The Matrix is that there are two worlds: one is the complex social model that we have been taught and indoctrinated with and through which we filter all our life experiences, and the other is how things really are. So, in their heads, people are running around living normal lives, but the reality is that they are all drones powering a giant machine.

Society can convince you that just about anything is acceptable: the clamour for more and greater riches, buying a Land Rover when you could get by with a Ford Fiesta, two parents working full-time while someone else raises their children.

The reality is that more and more people are chasing fantasies instead of cutting back the crap in their lives and enjoying the simple things. What hurts is that most people are still unfulfilled and unhappy. Even more so, because they’re in debt to the eyeballs, but that’s a discussion for another day.

Here’s something to end on a bright note.

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 // Family Life

I know it’s been quiet on The Levee Breaks recently. Still having a tough time at work, with no end in sight. Paranoia is running high eclipsed only by my stress levels.

I’m such a ball of negative energy at the moment.

I had a job interview on Friday last week, and did a fantastic interview with a panel of four (very professionally run, BTW). Needless to say, the weekend was spent dreaming of a job offer and how I might write my resignation letter without lacing it with anthrax…

Ah, but t’was not to be folks. I got a letter on Tuesday to say that I had been unsuccessful in my application, but (some consolation) I was first reserve for the post. All I need to do now is find out who got the job and reverse over him/her with my jalopy……

The sooner I get my arse out of that job the better. It’s really fucking up my chi…

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006 // Family Life

I meant to write about Chris Jackson’s The Abundance Site some time ago, but this has been languishing in my drafts folder, so I thought I’d share it here.

Unhappy People Living Unhappy Lives

Mrs Levee and I know (more than our fair share of) miserable people. People who feel they are downtrodden, that the world is against them in every conceivable way. People who simply don’t enjoy life. Nothing ever goes right for them, people talk behind their backs, they’re always ill with something or other. They’re incapable of caring about anything other than their own problems, such is their self-involvement.

I find one of the common characteristics of these depressing, misguided creatures is the sheer chaos that defines their mental processes. So disorganised are their thoughts that they can only concentrate on the problem, rather than considering solutions. And so they seek solace in spilling out their problems to everyone they meet, accepting short-term sympathy instead of seeking a positive fix.

Been There, Got Over It!

I’m not disparaging these people, I know what I’m talking about! I went through a period a few years ago where I was terribly dissatisfied with my life and what I’d achieved. This led to a lot of moaning and grumbling, and I was a complete bear to live with during that time (*sorry Mrs L!).

In recent years, I’ve learned that there’s a lot wrong with modern society, and that the values and pressures of modern life are just not healthy. In realising that, I’ve spent more time seeking what is important in life. Take this quote from The Abundance Site:

A friend of mine once said of his business partner, ?He?s given up his life in the single-minded pursuit of wealth. And now, wealth is all he has. So he obsesses about losing it. Since he never had a life, he has no idea of what to do with his money, even if he had time to enjoy it, which he doesn?t because he?s so accustomed to the treadmill he can?t even imagine getting off. Of course, the beautiful thing about the pursuit of money is that you?ve never got enough. So he keeps on chasing it, simply because he has no idea of what else to do with his life.? Barry Maher

The Abundance Site

The Abundance Site offers some simple, inspirational pearls of wisdom. Sometimes, when you’re blinkered by the trials and tribulations of everyday life, a visit to Chris’ site makes you stop for a minute and reprioritise.

The beauty of The Abundance Site is that it isn’t pushing a way of life on you, but - for me - provides a gentle reminder that the relentless cycle of modern life isn’t necessary and to slow down from time to time and enjoy life.

Update

It’s funny how easy it is to forget these to take a step back. I originally wrote this piece back in October last year, but couldn’t find a slot to post it.

In that time - as regular readers know - I hit difficulties with my job and fell into every one of the symptoms I described above! I believe that I’m overcoming those negative tendencies now, I’ll just have to re-read this post every now and again!

I’ve since discovered Jangly Ganglia, a site by Andrea Schwandt-Arbogast where she aims to post one positive experience per day to remind herself that good things happen every day! It’s a great site, and I’m looking forward to see what Andrea will build there.

I hope this post helps any of you who are in a bit of a funk right now!

Wednesday, March 8th, 2006 // Family Life, Spirituality & Stuff

Don’t panic! This is not a post about religion. I haven’t seen the light. I won’t be standing at the seafront this weekend with sombre-faced pensioners preaching at bemused passers-by.

I’m having a really strange time recently. Surreal. Bizarre.

While my work life is going steadily down the plughole, family life is improving in so many ways. Life in the Levee household really is pretty magical at the moment!

Heaven At Home

Ray - our eldest daughter - is becoming quite the social butterfly. She’s out visiting friends, being visited by friends, going to her little dance class, off to mother and toddler group and everything else. She’s got a more active social calendar than we do, the tinker! But whatever else she’s doing, she still has time for her old dad and we’ll sometimes sit on the kitchen sofa for one of our ‘wee chats’, or she’ll ask me to make up a story for her. The favourite at the moment is Ray’s Magical Flying Bike that takes her all over Northern Ireland.

Jay - our two-year-old boy - is coming along at a different pace, but no less affectionate than his sister. He’s taking advantage of his sister being out of the house by getting some quality time with his mum and dad.

It’s funny what a bit of special attention can do for a child. In the last few weeks (especially while I was off work), Jay’s come on in leaps and bounds. He’s chatting away with us, asking all sorts of questions. He’s helping around the house (never one of Ray’s fortes) and going for walks with us.

Little Dan - our youngest - is really starting to respond to us and loves nothing more than cuddles, tickles and the odd sing-song. In fact, last week, I was walking out of the kitchen when I looked back for a moment and saw my family sat around the table. Dan on Mrs Levee’s knee with Ray cooing and tickling him and Jay running around with a plastic guitar throwing ‘rock star’ poses. I think that’s a memory that’ll stay with me for a long time…

It seems Mrs L and I are always sharing a smile over some little thing the children have said or done recently. Yep, family life’s great at the moment.

Hell At Work

Isn’t it bizarre, then, that work’s such a pain? Since that sequence of events a few weeks ago that led to me doing the work of two people, I’ve been more and more stressed.

It hasn’t yet dawned on my illustrious employer that there’s no way in hell I can manage the workload alone. I’ve complained to my line manager about it, but it’s falling on deaf ears. Quality of work is falling. Projects small and large are lining up and my Helpdesk is filling up with support calls that I have less and less time to answer. Oh, and did I mention that there’s been no offer of a pay increase in light of this virtual doubling of work?

Moreover, my co-managers are bitching about this like crazy. Speculating about every tidbit that comes down from above. Talking about it all the time. But I’m tired of it, sick of mulling it all over and wondering why. And really sick of the conspiracy theories. Yawwwwnnnn…..

Oh, the CV’s out there folks. Dusted off, updated with the latest high-flying achievements and coming soon to an employment agency near you.

You should never stay in a job you hate. And I’m starting to hate this one with a passion. More importantly, you should never stay with an employer you hate. It’s not a one-way street. If your employer isn’t up to scratch, find a better one. I hope to be interviewing potential employers in the (very) near future!

All this could get me very depressed, but thanks to our little family, I can see the real priority for me right now. And it’s keeping me sane.

Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 // Family Life

Walking out of work this evening was like being released from prison for a few hours. Today was a hellish day in a fortnight of hellish days.

Here’s the craic: I work as a manager in Belfast. For the past 5-6 years, I’ve had a full-time assistant helping me run IT in a fairly large, often demanding office. My most recent prodigy handed in his notice just before Christmas - a bad time for seeking out replacement staff.

Regardless of the bad timing, we set out to recruit a replacement pretty sharpish. The market was piss-poor and full of graduate CVs with career shopping lists. “Oh, yes, I’m currently studying for my MCSE, CCNA, Cisco, PhD” Of course, they’re hoping you’ll bankroll the expensive training part of this before they move on to pastures new. Sceptical, Levee? You bet.

Things Get Bad

So, my car is in for servicing on Monday a couple of weeks ago. I decide (as a big important manager) to work from home on this day - after all, I have remote access. So, I arrange for my assistant to come in a bit earlier to cover my hours.

To cut a long story short, my superior went bonkers about not being notified in advance. Bizarre. I’ve done this before and it’s never been a problem. In fact, I can work better without interruptions. But on this day I receive one very nasty email.

So nasty, in fact, that I almost flamed back. But Mrs L pinned me down and sedated me before I had a chance to speak my mind. I don’t know what those injections were, but they worked….

On the Friday, I met with said superior and talked this issue out. Mentioned how offended I’d been. Not just about that, but about a number of things including a salary raise request that was blatantly ignored by the firm last year. Left the meeting and felt relieved that I’d gotten my grievances off my chest. And the boss seemed to acknowledge most of my points and seemed determined to address a number of the issues I raised.

Things Get Worse. Much Worse

The weekend passed, and I trotted into work on Monday morning looking forward to meeting a potential candidate for the assistant’s job. We had the meeting, were impressed with the person we saw, little birds twittered on the office windowsills, and all seemed well. Until after lunchtime.

My boss came into my office to see me straight after lunch with a bombshell - we’ve decided not to hire a replacement, says she. As if this wasn’t going to turn my working life upside down! Do the work of two people? WTF? Think of all the money we’ll save - that’s a substantial saving to the company. Oh yeah? Will I be getting my cut in luncheon vouchers, while my hair is falling out with stress?

The more this sank in, the more traumatised I became, the more questions this raised. I stewed over it all night. So did Mrs L. A revelation like this raises so much uncertainty, not just at work, but for the family life too.

I didn’t realise just how much this was affecting me until I got up the next morning. My jaw was killing me. I knew straight away that I’d been grinding my teeth in my sleep. The good wife confirmed this later on with a phone call. Every morning since, I’ve woken up with a throbbing jaw any pro-boxer would be proud of.

What Next?

Well, as you can see, the stress of this job has been having a wearing effect on me for the last few years. I feel like I’ve aged prematurely! Seriously though, the stress of this situation has actually hit me quite hard and I’m (even now) flittering between bouts of uncontrollable rage at this decision and helplessness and just plain upset.

Anyway, folks, there’s no sense complaining. When you’re stuck in this sort of mire, there’s only one way out, and that’s to move on. I’m not going to stay and fight - there are better opportunities out there and given that the New Year has just begun, maybe it’s time for a good ol’ fresh start. We’ll see.

For now, though, it’s back to the prison tomorrow. Good thing the JobFinder’s out on Fridays! If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening!

Friday, January 20th, 2006 // Family Life